December 10, 2015 10:51 am

They say to catch the “uncatchable fish” you must have patience. But what they never mention, is the fact that most of the time after you catch it, you lose it instantly. In the blink of an eye all of your hard work vanishes. Almost as if never to have happened in the first place. But you. You were different. This fish I never expected to catch, the, one I never saw swim – ming upstream. Against the strongest current known to man, addiction. Addicted to not one, but every synthetic happiness anything to be snored, shot, and sipped. But I loved you anyway. All of your scraped and tethered scales made you more beautiful. Your gimpy fin made you human and your eyes made it impossible-not to love you. Every crack and crevice of your soul was reflected onto me with that fishing pole. Never once suspecting that once I caught you, you’d reel me in too. With words like “I love you”, the hook sank deeper. Into my skin as I saw you for who you were, precious and in need of assistance.

“You can’t put a price on the perfect catch, it has to be earned with words like, “gratitude” “acceptance” and a multitude of others.”

You see, the thing about fishing is that without the proper bait the catch means nothing. But, you know, that not everything that’s been caught is an award for something. You can’t put a price on the perfect catch, it has to be earned with words like, “gratitude” “accep – tance” and a multitude of others. With every level of love comes a price we never want to pay. The, things we dare not say, in fear of cutting the line. That line between ourselves and that perfect fish that’s never caught because no one has the patience-for admi – ration. But I saw you in that river staring up at me with eyes as mesmerizing as the sun although I dare not stare for it could be troublesome. Seeing into you made it hard to breathe like being held under water with no warning. Against my will, I fell- into you, like being pulled into the current of that addiction I was speaking of. But mine was not a drug, it wasyour touch that kept me up, higher than that sun in your eyes that rescued me, from my own darkness. Unaware of how caliginous that part of me was I gave to you the parts that had never seen the light of day. Surrounded by a school you were set apart instantly. Like a ray of light that strayed-apart and chose to shine on a sliver of the world no one had noticed. Or appreciated. Me.

You took the bait and saved the part of myself I wasn’t sure that I had. With, long nights and early mornings I cherish your existence like the breath of fresh air you are. Without you here it seems I’ve forgotten how to breathe. Pulling you up to the surface as you gasped in a panic- but you trusted me. I could see it in your soul, you, found a way to make me whole. Without even knowing it.

The incredible part is that the bait I speak of had no tasty chum, no piece of flesh that kept you coming back for more. It was me. A simple naked hook with no shiny disposition nothing special to reel the other fish in. Just me. Just my words, my eyes and the way they looked into yours like we’d known each other for eons by the first time our skin touched. Your soul fit mine like a glove to the white winter I never got to see.

That, Christmas Eve in jersey we said we’d spend in a year’s time. To meet your family and to feel snow – flakes melt on my warm skin in passing.

“My very own Christmas morning” Is what I told you that you are. The very best moment you open your eyes to, the, one that you wait for all year long for, that makes all of the past sour memories disappear- You.

I’d give precisely 365 days off of my life if I knew it meant to touch your skin again. To, hear you say, “that’s my girl” and the way your voice cracked as you called me “your everything”

 

But sometimes even when the catch is flawless things go awry. Either, you throw the fish back to sea or you cling to it for dear life, until it takes it last breath. And you, I wasn’t going to let you slip through my selfish fingertips, not for a second. A second? Yes, that’s what it was, that’s how long it took. Before, I could look into your eyes and feel my soul change. Into the purest part of myself I had always wanted to be. To tap into the clarity of things I could finally see. I’m changed- by you. You see, everything happens for a reason and our paths were meant to connect the way that, the, end of the rainbow always saw the gold.

“So, you see, I grasped onto you as if my skin could save you from the

damage that the current had done.”

Gold, yes. Like that tiny nugget of gold, you told me I was, the, one that you carried around everywhere in your pocket. Simply to have with you at all times. Something that you cherished and that was worth so much, but only to you. Something you didn’t want to share, but keep close to you “forever”. So, you see, I grasped onto you as if my skin could save you from the damage that the current had done.

But eventually you took your last breath, and the only thing I could do was stand around to listen. The last words to depart your sweet lips were, “baby” as you called for me through that phone in your car at 3:49 in the morning. I tried, I did. I caught you, my uncatchable fish, and you lasted as long as you possibly could on the surface. I wish, there was something more I could do, I wish, I had known where you were to send help to you. I wish, you hadn’t of let those doses of synthetic happiness take you over. I wish, you’d let me be the drug you needed to get you through that night. But, that’s okay- Because someday “we will come back to the place where it all started, whatever that means.” Because “you are everything that is, and everything that will be”

For Alex.